is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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