after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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