she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
