I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
