so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
