Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
