Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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