Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
