now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
