told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
