girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
