you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
