I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
