Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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