i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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