I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
