rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
As shirtless as possible
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
