I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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