dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's paint friendship bongs
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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