im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
