If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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