My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
