I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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