You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
