Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
