I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
