I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
