his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
