i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
