yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
