If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
