shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
