It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
last night I used snow as a chaser
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
