she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Randomize
