I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
