someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
