i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
