WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
