I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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