if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
