The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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