I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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