I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
