drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
