Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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