so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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