Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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