I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
