He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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