i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
