grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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