My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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