My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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