three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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